Mistake 1:  Haven’t Figured Out How to “Love Me Some Me”

In order to attract love into your life, it’s important to improve the relationship you have with yourself. If you love yourself and have confidence in who you are, then you will begin to send a signal to others that you have value and deserve respect. An improved sense of self will lead you to a more fulfilling love life loving yourself first sends a clear message that you are to be recognized, celebrated, appreciated and loved.   If you don’t truly know yourself and what you want out of relationship, how can you attract the right man into your life?  Before you can truly know what you want out of a relationship, you have to have a sense of what your needs and wants are and what truly makes you happy.  Commit to developing a relationship with yourself.  Learn to say no to others so you can spend more time learning and meeting your needs.  Commit time to doing things that you enjoy that are just for you.  Make yourself a priority in your life!

Mistake 2:  Spend Their Best Years Pursuing an Education and Career Goals Not Realizing that Their Strongest Assets (e.g., Looks, Fertility) Decrease With Age

A woman who wants to have a family should capitalize on her looks, age, and fertility while she is young instead of only focusing on chasing the high-powered career.  I believe (and  of course I could be wrong) that a man would more likely be with a young, attractive woman that is less educated and makes him feel good (in terms of stroking his ego) then an average looking woman with a great career and education.)  If marriage and having children is important to you, you may want to NOT focus as much time on pursuing your career goals, but spend more time pursuing and developing meaningful love relationships while you’re young, perky and fertile.  If you want a husband and family, you have to pursue it with the same focus and attention you did to achieve your career goals, and by all means, don’t let you looks, fashion sense, and overall attractiveness go downhill.  Note: In my book, Why I Love Men: The Joys of Dating, I share insider secrets, practical advice and techniques that any woman can use to maximize her physical beauty without cosmetic surgery, because as shallow as it may sound, how physically attractive you are is very important to men, and should also be to you if you are seriously looking to attract and keep a man. 

Mistake 3:  Waste Too Much Time with Unavailable Men

When dating, there are certain relationships that are harmful and downright dangerous.  These are relationships with unavailable men―the men who are not available or ready to have a meaningful relationship with a woman. This type of relationship has very little chance of long-term success. Many older wiser women have already been down this road, and they know better than to get involved with an unavailable man, but many younger women spend too many months and years with men that are unavailable.  In my book, Why I Love Men, The Joys of Dating, I discuss the five types of unavailable men and clues to identify the unavailable man. 

Mistake 4:  Only DATE One Man at a Time

If you are not in a committed exclusive relationship, you should continue to have several guys as available date options.  Having several men to date will build your confidence and self-esteem. It will allow you to hone your dating skills, such as improving your communication style on dates. We can date many men and enjoy their company until we find someone worth having a meaningful relationship with.  If you meet a guy you like, don’t get rid of the others and focus all of your energy and efforts on the one man you like.  It’s ok to have a prioritized order of the guys that you’re dating, and as you meet new guys that you like more, you just remove the least favorite date from the rotation.  If the guy at the top of the list doesn’t call you, one of the others likely will.  I would encourage you to learn to simply enjoy the company of men.  Remember, I’m encouraging you to DATE, and not to have sex with many men.  I’m not trying to encourage promiscuity.  That is an individual choice that I personally do not advocate. 

Mistake 5:  Don’t Know Their Relationship Market Value (RMV)

Before you begin the dating process, it’s important to understand your Relationship Market Value (RMV). Your RMV helps you determine three things: (1) the characteristics that you bring to a relationship that can be of value or benefit to a mate; (2) what type of guys you can attract so that you can focus your efforts on finding that type of man; and (3) if you are ready for a relationship.  When determining your Relationship Market Value, you take a close look at your mental/emotional health, financial health, family relationships and other areas of your life, and discover if you are really ready for a relationship. You determine your RMV by looking at the positive traits that you bring to a relationship, while evaluating the negative ones as well (those that may take something away or create challenges in a relationship). Determining your RMV is about being realistic regarding what you will be bringing into a relationship.  The RMV Assessment Questionnaire can be completed in my new book, Why I Love Men: The Joys of Dating.

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Real Talk with JJ and The Fellas discuss the differences between good sex and great sex (sex that is memorable). The Fellas also discuss “bad sex!”  Also, the best breakdown of “aw skeet skeet skeet” from the Lil John song!

VD can actually be a blessing in disguise for single people. Think about it: If you’re single, you don’t have to worry about giving your partner anything so you have less to worry about altogether.

That’s right… I said it… VD (aka Valentine’s Day) can be awesome for single people! We’re coming up on one of the holidays that Singles usually dread the most: Valentine’s Day! If you are single, I going to tell you how Valentine’s Day can be one of the most empowering days of the year.

Now I do realize how this can be a difficult time for Singles. With all the flowers, heart-shaped candy and happy couples everywhere, it can be a constant reminder that you don’t have someone special in your life. But this year we’re going to celebrate and enjoy Valentine’s Day even if we’re single.

If You’re Single, Consider This:

It’s important to learn to be happy while you’re single. Single people are beginning to realize that they actually have a lot of time to create a meaningful life for themselves, and they are deciding to pursue their dreams. What are you really passionate about, and what do you enjoy doing? Do you have a rich social life with great friends and loving family members? Being single is the best time to discover what you want out of life and to focus on creating the life you’ve always dreamed of! Maximize your career, interests, hobbies and relationships while you’re single, and make that time the best days of your life.

                       
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Single Ladies looking for advice on dating, love, sex and relationships can win a dinner date with the cast of “Real Talk with JJ and The Fellas.”

One lucky single lady has a unique opportunity to win a dinner date with the cast of Real Talk with JJ and The Fellas.   For the single lady looking to improve her love life, she will spend an entertaining evening with “JJ and The Fellas” and have all of her questions on dating, sex, love and relationships answered by the hottest dating/relationship experts in the country.  You will also win an autographed copy of Why I Love Men: The Joys of Dating by J.J. Smith.  To win, just send a photo and a brief paragraph to info@jjsmithonline.com explaining why you should win a date with “JJ and The Fellas.”  Please describe yourself, any relationship challenges you have and why a dinner with the cast of “JJ and The Fellas” would improve your love life.  (Please see contest rules below.)

Real Talk with JJ and The Fellas features J.J. Smith and three fellas who are single, married and divorced.  The Fellas and their witty, humorous and truth-telling styles have captured thousands of fans and listeners in just a few short months.  The show is based upon J.J. Smith’s new bestseller, Why I Love Men:  The Joys of Dating, which gives dating tips and relationship advice to single women.  The radio show helps to bridge the gap between the sexes and help women understand “what men really think”. 

Real Talk w/ JJ & The Fellas is also releasing their new “Video Blogs” series this week with HOT topics like:

• What Makes a Man Commit to One Woman?
• The Dos and Don’ts of Sex: What Turns Men on Sexually!
• The Most Attractive Woman in the World Is….
• Is Courtship Dead?
• To Weave or Not to Weave: Men’s Take on Wigs, Weaves and Extensions.

For more information on the show, please visit http://www.jjsmithonline.com/jjsmith-radio.htm.  To join the Fan Page on Facebook, search for “www.facebook.com/RealTalkJJ” to get free insider information, videos, and various discussion forums on topics from the show.  To request an interview with the cast of Real Talk with JJ and The Fellas, please contact J.J. Smith at info@jjsmithonline.com or 202-230-7195.

Contest Rules:

• The winner will receive a an autographed copy of Why I Love Men: The Joys of Dating and a dinner date with the cast of “Real Talk with JJ and The Fellas” in the Washington DC Metro.  Travel/airfare will be provided by “JJ and The Fellas” if the winner selected lives outside of the DC Metro area.
• To apply, just send a photo and a brief paragraph to info@jjsmithonline.com  explaining why you should win a date with “JJ and The Fellas.”  Please describe yourself, any relationship challenges you have and why a dinner with the cast of “JJ and The Fellas” would improve your love life. 
• The contest is open to any single (unmarried) woman within the United States.  You may enter yourself (not someone else) for the contest only one time. 
• The winner will be selected on Valentine’s Day (2/14/10) and announced shortly thereafter.
• Entries without photographs will not be considered.

About Real Talk with JJ and The Fellas (www.jjsmithonline.com):

This show offers an intelligent, provocative discussion on love, dating, sex and relationships. The show is based upon J.J. Smith’s book, Why I Love Men: The Joys of Dating, which gives dating tips and advice to single women.   Real Talk with JJ and The Fellas features J.J. Smith and 3 Fellas who are single, married and divorced.  They have been regular guests on TV and are quickly becoming the source for women looking for advice and real answers on sex, love, and relationships. JJ and The Fellas no-holds barred dating and relationship talk offers sometimes controversial advice, but still has been grabbing listeners, both men and women alike, and keeping them coming back for more!

Real Talk with JJ and The Fellas is hosted by J.J. Smith, a dating and relationship expert, with appearances on NBC4, FOX5, NewsChannel8, Glamour, the Jamie Foxx Show, the Michael Baisden Show, Montel Williams:  Montel Across America,  and many others.   J.J. holds a B.A. in Mathematics from Hampton University and continued her education by completing The Wharton Business School Executive Management certificate program.  J.J. currently serves as Vice President and Partner in an IT Consulting firm in the DC Metro area.  J.J. Smith’s mission is to help women of all ages upgrade the quality of their personal relationships with men!

To read Part 1:  The Real Reasons 70% of Black Women are Single:  It’s Not What They’re Telling You! (Part 1)

In Part 1, I stated that we’ve all heard on Oprah, CNN, ABC News, and the Washington Post that 70% of black women are single, and 42% are unmarried.  Many news organizations have provided the statistics, but I’ve rarely seen these media outlets offer any real solutions.  So, our radio show, “Real Talk with JJ and The Fellas” will be discussing this topic the entire month of January and offering real solutions to this challenge.  I will begin by offering a few solutions below:    

*Please note that everything is not for everyone, so some of these suggestions may be right for you and others may not.  Be open-minded and feel free to share other suggestions that have worked for you.  My suggestions are listed below:

1. Do NOT Settle, but DO Compromise:  I am not suggesting you settle or lower standards, but if you look at “the list” of what you’re looking for a man, there may be some areas in which you can compromise.  As an example, does he have to be a certain height, skin color, or education/income level?  Can you be satisfied with him if he earns a bit less than you?  However, I would not recommend you compromise on the things that are non-negotiable, such as character, morals, and religious beliefs.  A man’s character is not tied to his monetary, education or financial status, so be sure to look at “who he is” and not “what he has” if you seriously want to pursue meaningful love relationships.
2. Invest In His Potential:  Now I will begin this suggestion by saying, “proceed with extreme caution!”  I have seen women successfully do this and others like myself, have been burned.  In fact, when I was in my 20s, I dated a man who made about a third of what I earned and at the end of the relationship, I ended up $80,000 poorer.  But if he is a man of good character and morals (which is most important) and you see him making a genuine effort to grow spiritually, mentally, emotionally and financially and has solid plans for his life, then INVEST IN HIM.  Investing in him means to be his helpmate to help him achieve his goals.  This may mean providing some reasonable amount of financial assistance to help him pursue an education or helping him grow spiritually or emotionally.  For some women, they will get a return on their investment with a long-term committed relationship with him, but for others, he may still upgrade you when he becomes more financially successful; but that is the chance you take.   Be careful of the men who just want to “marry up” and build their wealth and status by marrying you.  These types of men are trying to gain wealth and status by any means necessary and will almost always trade you in for a younger, prettier women once they get to a higher level of financial success.
3. Don’t Just Date Brothers, Date Others (Outside Your Race):  For a lot of Black women, one of the most difficult things for them to do is to date outside of their race.  There are many reasons Black women tend not to date outside their race; Some Black women want a man that reminds them of their daddy and some feel they are only attracted to Black men.  However, with the number of “datable” black men declining, how long are you going to wait for someone who statistically may not be available?  If you’re doing all the right things to be sure that you’re ready for a relationship and are still challenged with meeting Black men with compatible lifestyles (social backgrounds, economic status, education levels), then dating outside your race may be a good option for you.  Now, who you date of course is a matter of personal preference and I’m not trying to encourage you to stop dating Black men.  I know for me, I love and admire Black men so much that my personal preference for Black men would probably always keep me from dating outside my race.  However, if you’re challenged with having enough options in men, dating outside your race will expand your dating pool significantly.
4. Move to Cities Where the Men Outnumber the Women:  Even though nationally, women outnumber men, there are some male-dominated cities that have more single men than single women.  A few of the best cities to meet single men over 35 include San Jose, California, Salt Lake City, Utah, Arlington, Texas, and Raleigh, North Carolina.  In my eBook, 101 Best Places to Meet Men, I list 101 places where the men generally outnumber the women.  In the past, women typically met men in grocery stores, gyms, bars/lounges, church, work, gyms/exercise centers, and car shows. These places are still great options for meeting men, but they have also gotten stale and simply don’t generate the quantity of dates required for women to have enough options.  Many single women don’t know the best places for meeting a large quantity of men.  So this eBook provides you with 101 places where you can go to increase your chances of meeting more men.  A friend of mine is a great fisherman and he spends a considerable amount of time planning the best locations to find fish for that day.  It’s the same with dating.  If you don’t put yourself in the places to meet more men, you’re never going to find them.  You will have to participate in activities and go to places that are dominated by men.  These are locations where the men typically outnumber the women.  And sistas, if you are living in Atlanta and still complaining about not finding a “good black man” then your dating woes are likely to continue with female to male ratio being something like 20 to 1.

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By J.J. Smith (http://www.jjsmithonline.com)

We’ve all heard on Oprah, CNN, ABC News, and the Washington Post that 70% of black women are single, and 42% are unmarried.  We’ve even recently heard a young black women (Helena Andrews) say that she is successful, black and lonely and that “Bitch is the New Black”.  Helena’s story is probably the most heartfelt as I can relate to her, when I was in my 20s that is… but now at 40, I can say that there are many things that I have learned about Black men and 2 that stand out the most are that:

1. “Being a bitch” was never going to get me the love I desired from black men. (Note: Being a bitch as in being mean, argumentative, hard to get along with, bitter, etc.)
2.  Our “credentials” don’t attract men!  Just because WE feel that we are successful, independent, professional and educated doesn’t mean that’s we’re attractive to men, or even datable for that matter. I have learned that it is our EXTERIOR that gets a man’s attention (smile, look, personality, non-bitchy attitude, confidence and overall attractiveness) and our INTERIOR (our love for God, family, friends, being honest, supportive, respectful, emotionally stable, goal-oriented) that keeps a man coming back for more.

Even though many news organizations have provided the statistics I mentioned above, I’ve rarely seen these media outlets offer any real solutions.  In fact, I’ve yet to hear anyone really explain the REAL reasons so many black women are single, as its much more complicated than the “numbers.”  I personally don’t believe in allowing the media to exploit this issue and give an appearance that Black people have issues and challenges that we cannot solve on our own.   As a single, successful black women, I refuse to allow the media to make me feel bad or desperate about the plight of the “single black female,” especially given the personal and professional success sistas have made in a male-dominated world.  So, Black men and women, WE can facilitate our own discussion on this challenge and identify real solutions that work for us. I’ll begin by offering a 2-part article to address this challenge.  In Part 1, I will discuss the real reasons why so many Black women are single…because you know the media isn’t telling the whole story :-) and in Part 2: I will offer 10 practical solutions for women who are looking to find a “good man.”  Please feel free to share other suggestions!

The Real Reasons So Many Black Women are Single: 

*Note:  Some of the reasons could apply to women that are not black, but the focus of this article is on Black women because that’s all we keep hearing about in the media these days.

There are many factors that have lead to why so many Black women are single, but I believe the most significant factors are listed below:

1. The Black Man Shortage (as I read on Essence.com):  42% of Black women are unmarried.  70% of professional Black women are single.  The numbers don’t lie and there is a real gap between “datable” Black women and men. Even if there is some degree of inaccuracy in the numbers, if you just talk to Black women, many will agree that there are some challenges finding a “good black man, ” that is… one that is not behind bars, gay, or with other races.  I’m also fully aware of this challenge due to the number of Black women who write me about it every week.  So, the   statistics do play a role in this challenge, but it does not tell the whole story. Please read on!
2. Too Many Black Women Have Bought Into the Stereotypes On Who They Are:  The perception that Black women are hard to get along with, mean, bitchy, argumentative, bitter, etc. has become a reality for too many black women.  I know, because I used to be that way (and still have relapses on occasion:-) but irrational behavior and constantly “going off” on people, especially your man, is not an attractive quality to have when trying to maintain a relationship with a man.  I had to LEARN that just because I was running things at work, didn’t mean I was going to run things with my man.  So, I had to “check my attitude” at the door when dealing with my black man.  Maybe a man really needs to be the head of the household, and if you don’t trust that he can be, then leave him alone and move on.  A wise man once told me that anything with two heads is a monster, so only 1 can be head of the household, and for me, I prefer it to be my man.  Sistas, we know we have carried too much of the financial and emotional burden of raising our families alone, but we should use that to draw strength from and not allow that to make us emotionally weaker.  I remember being in my 20s at a management consulting firm I worked for and this brother told me that I would definitely make Partner but no one would ever like me because I was so damn mean, and I actually was naïve enough to take that as a compliment; not realizing that my “meanness and bitchiness” had spilled over into my personal life and keeping me from attracting and keeping good men in my life.

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With all the talk about there being so many single, educated, successful black women, I think it’s important to note that our “credentials” don’t attract men. It’s our EXTERIOR that gets a man’s attention (smile, look, personality, non-bitchy attitude, confidence and overall attractiveness) and our INTERIOR (our love for God, family, friends, being honest, supportive, respectful, emotionally stable, goal-oriented) that keeps a man coming back for more. As a single, successful black woman, I went from 0 dates to many dates by making some changes to my “exterior” AND “interior” to meet, date and marry quality black men. This video focuses on the “exterior” or my beauty transformation (with before and after pics) and my book, Why I Love Men: The Joys of Dating shares more of my specific changes I’ve made to have more options in my dating life. I just believe in taking personal accountability for my challenges in life, whether that be professional or personal relationships. But that’s just me!

This is from my weekly TV segment on ABC/NewsChannel8. The topic is how to attract love into your life this holiday season!!

J.J. Smith discusses ways Singles can have a fun and festive holiday season this year on her weekly segment on Let’s Talk Live on ABC/NewsChannel8.

http://www.jjsmithonline.com. Find out if sex on the first date is still taboo. Check out the live broadcast of Real Talk with JJ and the Fellas: Sex on the First Date vs. the 90 Day Rule.

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