You see a lot of articles about what men can do during sex to make it better for the woman, but there’s a lot less information – and opinion – on the mistakes women make. So, to set the record straight, here’s our list of ten things for women to avoid.
1 Expecting him to think like a woman
We’ve all seen loads of books with titles like “Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus” which highlight an unfortunate difference between the sexes. Men and women don’t think the same way – and while we’re not going to get into why this happens, it’s important to remember that fact when you’re in a relationship. In general, men are not as romantic as women, they don’t see romance as a necessary prelude to sex, and they can divorce sex from their feelings in a way that perhaps most women can’t. So there will be plenty of times when a man wants sex even if he isn’t feeling romantic and connected to his partner.

For him, the physical pleasure of sex is a reward in itself. He doesn’t need to be seduced into feeling desire (though he may appreciate it if you do seduce him!), at least most of the time, for his sex drive is a pretty constant part of his maleness. I think that’s what women don’t understand.
They know how elusive and emotional their own sex drive is, but they don’t appreciate how different it is for a man. Think of it this way: men can enjoy sex with their partner whether they are feeling loving or not; in fact they often find their feelings of love for their partner when they have sex with her. By contrast, women often say they need to feel loving before they want sex – or at least before they are prepared to give themselves heart and soul to a man.
2 Not showing your sexual energy
Women who were brought up to be demure “good girls” (i.e. non-sexual) may find it difficult to express the essence of their feminine energy during sex. And a lot of women also have problems expressing their anger, an emotion which can add real spice to the sexual union between men and women. This lack of sexual energy might appear as a reluctance to initiate sex, a reluctance to be the active partner, a reluctance to make noises or thrust, or simply an overall tendency to wait for the man to lead and direct what happens during sex.
But believe me, ladies, your man will really like it when you express your passion – whether that means you getting on top for woman on top sex, moving in a way that will give you the greatest pleasure, kissing him passionately, or being assertive about what you want in bed.
3 Being too gentle when you touch his penis
Men like a firmer touch than women, especially when it comes to their penises. If you ever have the pleasure of watching him masturbate, you’ll see how much pressure he uses on his penis – especially as he nears orgasm. If you’re doing it for him, ask him to tell you what you’re doing right and what he’d like done differently. He’ll really appreciate your efforts to give him more pleasure.
4 Not experimenting with sex
The saying has it that men think about sex ten times an hour – or is it a hundred? Yes, of course that’s an exaggeration, but it isn’t much of one. While some women have a high sexual desire, it’s true to say that women in general are much less sexy than men when they’re not in the bedroom. Men fantasize all the time – about the things they see, what they’d like to do, how they’d like to do it, and so on. With such an active sexual imagination, it’s not hard to understand why a bit of variation in the bedroom routine can keep a man sexually happy.
It doesn’t have to be way out stuff like bondage, either. For example, try changing sex positions once in a while: take the initiative and get on top of him or let him enjoy rear entry for a change. Talk dirty to him if you’ve never tried that before; explore and play with new parts of his body, such as his anus and perineum, during foreplay – or even during the main event. Seduce him into a “quickie” by leaving a trail of clothes across the floor into the bedroom. Greet him at the door in sexy clothing. Phone him at work and tell him what you’d like to do to him later that day…..well, you get the idea – use your imagination!
5 Expecting him to read your mind
Yes, we know it’s difficult to express your sexual desires directly. But men don’t think like women. They don’t read clues, they don’t get hints. So stop communicating indirectly, and tell him what you want. And give him feedback when you get it! That way, he’ll know exactly what he’s supposed to be doing, how you feel about it, and whether to do it again. For example, if you like what he’s doing during sex, let him know with your moans of pleasure.
6 Criticizing him
I think one of the reasons women can be so critical of their man is that they’ve never learned the art of direct communication. Than means stating clearly and directly what you want, how you want it, and whether you got it – and how you feel about it afterwards. Men appreciate that style of talk – they know where they stand and it removes the uncertainty for them.
Criticism is an indirect way of saying that your needs are not being met – but if you read number 5 above, then maybe you’ve begun to understand that your man won’t know what you want unless you tell him. If you’re judging his love for you on the basis of his ability to anticipate and meet your needs without you saying what they are, well, I’m afraid you aren’t likely to be very satisfied. And it won’t be his fault.
7 Letting him take responsibility for your orgasm
A lot of us think that a man somehow has a responsibility to “give” a woman an orgasm during sex. After all, that’s how a lot of us were brought up – that a man somehow has to look after “his” woman. And that idea extends to making sure she has an orgasm during sex…..but the truth is that women are responsible for their own orgasms. So while it might be nice for your man to help you get there, if you don’t make it to orgasm through his efforts, you can always take matters into your own hands.
8 Controlling him by withdrawing sex
One of the most unhealthy things you can do in a relationship is to use sex as a weapon. This is basically a statement that you feel powerless, that you think withholding sex is the only way you can get what you want. Rather than trying to exert some influence over your man by denying him the pleasure of your body, try communicating directly what you want and don’t want. (That might even extend to simply saying you don’t feel emotionally close enough to your partner to want sex.)
9 Thinking he’ll feel the same way about your body that you do
It just isn’t so. Men don’t attach the judgments to women’s bodies that women do. So, for example, even if he thinks your butt really is a bit on the large side, it won’t matter to him the way it matters to you. In fact, he probably quite likes it. And he certainly won’t be put off making love, or want the lights off, because of it. While you waste time and emotional energy wondering if you’re completely undesirable because of some aspect of your body, he’ll never give it a second thought. It’s women who judge their bodies, I think for the sake of comparison with other women, not men.
10 Not making up with sex after an argument
Well, yes, I know that a lot of couples do make up with sex when they’ve had an argument, but in fact many more don’t. As I said above, most women think that they need to be feeling loving and emotionally close before they want sex. Yet I’ve met a lot of couples in my work as a sexual therapist who have found that taking the risk and jumping into bed can work really well as a way of getting close again.
Even if you don’t feel sexy or loving when you start making love, after a while the simple act of being physically connected in bed can really change the way you feel about each other. The other way of settling an argument (that’s talking, seeking understanding, and thrashing out how you feel) is fine: but once in a while try a more direct method of getting your feelings back on track – just go to bed together!
Rod Phillips

Why people are interested in tantric sex

Judging from my long time experience as a tantric sex coach, it seems to me that most people at some point in their lives have a sexual experience that could be called transcendental or mystical, or simply “out of this world” wonderful. This special sexual experience could have taken place with a partner or on their own. It doesn’t matter how it came about, what matters is that many, many people naturally have this kind of amazing sexual encounter, often quite inadvertently. That’s because our bodies, psyches and spirits are wired to have this kind of experience. It’s in our original blue print to be ecstatic. When we are able to totally relax, let go, trust and open up, magical, divine love-making happens all by itself.

So, if it’s so natural, why don’t more people enjoy mind-blowing sex as a regular, everyday thing? That’s because our upbringing has trained us out of our intuitive knowing. Still, having once, or sporadically, had this experience, it is only understandable that people spend their lives trying to recapture that special moment, often failing to do so. Some manage it occasionally, but few have it consistently. Others go down the wrong track all together into all kinds of sexual distractions, even sex addiction. But what people really seek deep down is sex that helps them merge with the divine, sex that tunes them into the love that is the very fabric of who we are, sex that helps them melt and become one with God, Goddess, The Source, “That which is eternal”.

The reason “Tantra” has become so popular lately is because tantric sex describes quite well this sacred sex that people are missing. And so people try out whatever suggestions they find under the term Tantra. But what a lot of people don’t understand is that no amount of techniques or special breathing rhythms or chants or body positions, or incense or gadgets will get you to this longed for state of blissful pleasure and merging.

What you need to get there is much simpler then that. To have fantastic life-altering sex you need emotional and physical openness, that’s it.

It’s simple but that doesn’t mean it’s necessarily easy.

That’s why, paradoxically, these mystical sexual experiences are often experienced by couples who are fairly new to each other. Check your own experience and see if I’m right.

This is so because couples who are new to each other are typically a lot less weighed down with cautiousness. There is an innocence, a freshness, a hopefulness and a lack of negative expectation. There is an absence of the protection that usually builds between a couple as their intimate relating touches old emotional wounds and as lack of sexual knowledge and communication skills creates repeated disappointments.

Does that mean that you should go from honeymoon to honeymoon, from partner to partner in search of this magical sex. Oh no! The truly best sex, the lasting kind, the really amazing deeply transformational sex is always found in committed relationships where the partners keep growing in closeness together.

So what can a couple do to consistently have the best sex they’ve ever had? And not just on their honeymoon or once in a great while?

They can commit to emotional, physical and energetic opening. But how?

In my home audio workshop and e-book “Sex for the Soul” I go into great detail as to what a couple can do, but here I’ll just give you a short list of tips:

1. Have eye contact when you make love much of the time. See and allow yourself to be seen, be emotionally naked.

2. Talk about your sex life. Be willing to increase your communication about specific sexual physical details by 100%; what works for you, what doesn’t, and what you wish your partner and you would try. Keep blame out of it. Rather then focusing on what doesn’t work let each other know what would work. Make yourself vulnerable and be honest.

3. Relax your body when you make love. Slow things down enough so that you can feel your genitals very sensitively. Start slow, and slow down in between more heated moments. Your body will teach you how to have sacred sex if you slow down enough to listen to it.

4. Be willing to experiment with new ways of playing in the bedroom, physically and emotionally.

5. Don’t settle for sexual gratification, which means, don’t just go for orgasm at all cost, neither his nor hers. Seek to make love, to create a space of lovingness, each time you connect sexually.

6. Make love often; bring your bodies together regularly. Let your lovemaking become a meditation of surrender, connection, vulnerability and deep relaxation. See it as a spiritual practice. Let your relationship be a journey of learning and growing in love together.

And here an excerpt from my upcoming audio program “Sex for the Soul”

…….One of the messages of this program is: Don’t just have sex, make love! Most people, when they hear the words “making love” immediately assume it means having a sexual exchange, am I right? Have you ever really considered why that is? It is because, since time immemorial, sex is one of the best ways that humans have to create more love: in their relationship, in their lives, and on the planet. Unfortunately, the way things are nowadays, having sex doesn’t mean making love. Consciously engaging in the act of creating more love through the sexual act is not what most people think about when they are having sex. The way sex is promoted these days in popular culture presents sex as a means for physical pleasure, excitement, fun, or even social status. Although there is no problem with any of these, the media is inadvertently promoting loveless sex. “Tips for better sex”, “How to have more sizzling orgasms”, “Make sex last longer”, “5 new techniques to Dazzle Your Partner in Bed”– these are the headlines we see every day on magazine covers. The word “love” does not appear in any of these headlines and that’s why it’s easy to forget to look for love.

Another message of this program is equally important: Don’t just live together, make love! So many long- term couples have given up and resigned themselves to a life of companionship, and maybe occasional sex, but there are many easy and some not so easy things a couple can do to bring the spark back to their partnership.

And to come back to the value of tantric techniques, special breathing rhythms, mantras, chants, sexual positions, energy exercises, incense, sacred symbols, etc. Once you have emotional openness all the above can be a lot of fun and add to your experience in lovely ways. Often the biggest value is not the technique itself but the fact that in endeavoring to bring these things into their life, couples start talking about their sex-life and begin to explore. But just remember, you don’t really need any techniques to have the best sex you ever had. You just need to trust yourself and your body ever more deeply.

If you want to start today, try one of my tips for Sacred Sex above.My audio workshop will give you many more explicit and detailed instructions to work with, but for now go to my list of tips and start exploring the vast depths of sexual mystery and magic that is yours by birthright.

Resources:

http://www.sacredloving.net/