Sex and Dating
By J.J. Smith

Why Pre-Marital Sex Is Not a Sin
It’s time we get honest and talk about both our spiritual and sexual needs. Millions of single women are afraid of or confused about sex. There are many women who are single, divorced or widowed that have a companion they are sexually intimate with, and because of their religious teachings, a lot of the women feel guilty about it. These women struggle between the balance of enjoying sex and having feelings of guilt about it because they are unmarried.

Some women have taken this to such an extreme that they believe the only way to enjoy sex is to be married. They find themselves consumed with finding a husband to satisfy their natural sex drives. These women are trying to maintain a “good girl” image, and they can be really pressed to get married for the wrong reason. When they do meet men, they are sizing them up for the tuxedo and planning their wedding date. Many of these women not only believe that they can only have sex within marriage, but they also think that sex is primarily to please their husbands. They are not taught that they can enjoy sex. And they are also not aware that they can be the initiator toward meeting their sexual desires and tell a man what they want or desire as a woman.

As a result of these challenges, I decided to not rely on pastors and religious teachers, but to trust God’s guidance and direction in deciding how to live spiritually while enjoying the gift of sex that God has given to us. I appreciate my church upbringing and all the wonderful pastors in my life over the years as they have helped me grow and develop spiritually. But I needed to be honest with myself about who I was spiritually and sexually. If I did not address this, I knew I would never be able to live a fuller, richer spiritual life.

What I learned through the Scriptures was that God is ultimately concerned that people honor their commitments, as well as the rights and needs of other people in the sexual area—just as in all aspects of their life. There is nothing inherently dirty or sinful about the sex act, and what makes the sex act immoral or ungodly is the effect it has on people. The sex act is a moral issue for humans because we are spiritual beings and God cares about how we treat each other as humans.

In today’s society, pre-marital sex includes any sexual activity by unmarried people; this is also referred to as “fornication.” If we studied the translation for fornication in the Bible, it translates to zanah and porneia. The meaning for both of these words is essentially “illegitimate sexual activity.” They are both generic words to categorize all activities that God’s law considers illicit. In the Scripture, this includes activities such as adultery, bestiality, rape and incest. God doesn’t define pre-marital sex, masturbation or oral sex as illegitimate activities, so it may be presumptuous to put these activities under the heading of fornication.

For single people, sexual attraction is a natural and legitimate part of the dating / mating process. A person’s sexual desires and urges are not non-existent because one is single and then they suddenly kick in when one gets married. If you listen to the teachings in church tradition, the only place to express ourselves sexually would be in a marriage relationship. But it is obvious that sex can be a gift to single people as it is to married people.

God is concerned about the relationship between the two people having sex (whether married or unmarried) and its impact on others. Sexual morality has more to do with how we maintain either loving or hurtful human relationships between people. Relationships are moral when they are honest, loving and supportive of one another’s growth and development. If the relationships are violent, dishonest, abusive, full of deceit and betrayal, then they are immoral.

My personal spiritual life has been dramatically improved as a result of a correct understanding of sexuality as it is addressed in the Bible. However, I’m in no position to tell you what you should do, but I would encourage you to seek God and His truth for what’s best for your life. God wants us to live in truth and be fulfilled and empowered in life. You can achieve sexual freedom without the baggage of misinformation and incorrect teachings.

Sex on the First Date: Does It Really Jeopardize the Relationship?
A man still holds a woman to a higher sexual standard than he holds for himself. Most men don’t want to think of their wife as promiscuous or easy. In fact, if he could delete all of her prior sexual experiences, he would. After you sleep with a man, the balance of power starts to shift in his favor. By sleeping with him on the first date, you could end the need for him to court or pursue you, and his primary interest in you could just be for sex.

Women generally don’t like to have sex on the first date, because we really don’t like being a victim of a “hit-and-run.” However, in this day and age, if you decide to have sex on the first date, it should be your own decision based upon want you want. You should already know that there is a good chance that he may not call you anymore, but that’s the chance you take. Men rarely turn down sex, and they don’t need to be in love or in a relationship with you to have sex. There are many women who feel that way about sex nowadays, too.

Having sex on the first date can sometimes depend on the circumstances. Let’s say you have a date with a guy, and it ends up lasting all day because you really hit it off quickly. Then “things” just happen. In that case, there’s a good chance he may want to continue seeing you. However, if you met him a club, and then had sex at about 4 a.m. at your place, there’s a very good chance you will not hear from him again. If you’re looking to just have fun with him, enjoy yourself. If you see him having some serious love potential, then it may make sense to wait. It is generally best to wait to have sex if you want him to consider you a serious long-term partner.

I have learned that men will be pretty honest about your sexual encounter if you ask them, outside the bedroom, of course. If you have sex with a guy, don’t make assumptions.

• Having sex with him doesn’t mean he will continue to call you or ever call you again.
• Having sex with him doesn’t mean he won’t be having sex with other women.
• Having sex with him doesn’t mean that you’re entering a committed relationship with him.
• Having sex with him doesn’t mean that getting to know you better will be a primary focus in his life.

If you find yourself in situations where you often have sex too soon, then we’ll assume holding out is not your strong suit. An easy suggestion for overcoming this is to not be physically ready to have sex when you go out on a date. This could include not shaving your legs or underarms, wearing big granny panties, or wearing clothes that are difficult to get out of. If you really don’t want to have sex with him, but you don’t trust yourself, then some of these tactics may work for you.

Based on every man that I know, I can tell you that having sex is very important to them. It might even be at the top of the list of their favorite things to do. You have to remember that men can have sex with a total stranger and find it physically enjoyable. Meanwhile, even though some women have gotten comfortable with having sex on the first date, they still are more likely to want and desire love from that person more than men. Women do want the physical enjoyment of sex, but they also desire the love and intimacy that comes through lovemaking. Sometimes we want love so bad, we confuse lovemaking with sex, but they are two different things. Lovemaking starts while you’re on your feet, when you love and care for a person. However, sex is the easy part, as it is a physical act for pleasure and enjoyment. Most people would agree that sex is even more fulfilling when it is accompanied by lovemaking, when deep feelings exist between the two people. So, you determine for yourself if sex on the first date makes sense for you!

J.J. Smith is a Dating Diva who offers a fresh perspective on dating and relationships that will help you create a wonderful life that attracts the best men for you and get the love you really want!  To learn more about her highly anticipated book, Why I Love Men:  The Joys of Dating, as well as other eBooks and free articles, visit http://www.jjsmithonline.com.